Check in number Three – Increased anxiety
In addition to quitting my profession, and beginning the set-up of a new business with my fiancé, I also have to parent a teenager. I have a rental house that has to be remediated after tenants did thousands of dollars of damage. This property, which I am fortunate to have, is five hours away. Plus, I’m going on a trip to England, which I can scare afford at this time, now that I have quit my jo and profession. Also, I’m getting married. All before summer ends.
I’m feeling a little stressed.
I’m sleeping better, certainly. My self-esteem is improving.
My busy-ness factor however has not reduced. I’m completely stressed out over how I measure my self-worth if I’m not bringing in income. About not bringing in income. For 21 years there’s been one way I earn income which I’ve equated with self-worth. Now I have to find a new system to find my own self-worth. That’s quite a challenge!
In addition, the list of things to do with starting a new business, or even managing a life, is overwhelming and never ending.
I’m learning new skills, every day. I’m learning how to use WordPress, Siteground, Webbly, and how to build a website. I’m learning how to promote a new business. I’m involved in several courses for new certifications. These are very exciting to me: I am a skills junkie. It is a central aspect of my Busy-ness Factor.
In addition to these ‘hard skills,’ there are dozens of ‘soft skills’ to learn in these transitions. Learning how to work with a business partner, when to flex, went to capitulate completely, when and how to divide tasks, how to change the task division, division of labor when things are going well, how to rescue or be rescued when things aren’t going as expected. How to have a regular work schedule and be productive.
Then there are new relationship skills: How to be supported, How to have a shared income and spending system. How to negotiate purchases. How to save for retirement, or even for a new dryer we desperately need.
There’s a sense of urgency in, however, with the new business to do list.
Sometimes – it makes me want to throw up.
Really I just want to stay at home. And cook. And make herbal preparations. And work out. And parent. And be a lover. And meditate. And take yoga teacher training. And mindfulness-based stress reduction certification. And go to school. And start a couple women’s groups, continue to develop my Threshold Choir, and my abilities to be a director, which also it means taking piano lessons, and possibly voice lessons. Oh, and travel. Maybe I want to much to really want to ‘just’ stay at home.
I think I need another teen hood/early 20-year-old. In my life.
I need the space and time to re-create my life and who I am in it. Carving that space out is actually only half the battle. Utilizing the space – that’s the harder half. Doing so in a time and place where I still need to bring in income – well that of course is trickier.
It’s a privilege I experience in this moment to be able to face these questions and battles. I know that. And in my soul, I’m deeply grateful. At the same time I’m completely freaked out.